Buying a House in 2021? It Can Be an Emotional Experience

Appfolio Websites • January 18, 2021

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A mental health expert offers tips on coping with the stress of buying a home in today’s intensely competitive market.


Buying a house is one of the biggest decisions of your life. Even in an ideal scenario — a buyers market with plenty of affordable houses to choose from and scant competition — it’s not something to take lightly. And today’s buyers are not living that ideal: Prices are rising quickly, inventory is at an all-time low, and competition for the few homes available often leads to bidding wars (fortunately, there are some effective ways to prepare for that) — all of which can create anxiety and stress. 

While record-low mortgage rates make purchasing a home an enticing opportunity, and having your own place — maybe with a garden and a puppy (well-behaved, of course!) — may sound like a dream, many others are dreaming the same dream. 

To top it off, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought plenty of its own emotional baggage and logistical challenges. 

As Mark Stayton discovered, working in the real estate industry doesn’t provide any shortcuts. A public relations specialist at Zillow, Mark and his wife have been trying to buy a home in the red-hot Seattle market for just over a year now. Through countless tours and nine losing bids, they’ve ridden the emotional highs of falling in love with the “perfect” home, endured the turbulence of bidding wars and felt the crushing lows of being blown out by an all-cash buyer — occasionally all three with the same house!

To better understand how to prepare emotionally for what can be a marathon search, Mark spoke with Christina Koepp, a licensed mental health counselor at Wellspring Family Services, and asked her to weigh in on what home shoppers can do to cope with this pressure-cooker of stress. While not intended as medical advice, Christina offers some general tips to help prepare for the emotional journey of finding and buying a home. 


What makes buying a home such a stressful experience?

Christina Koepp: There is almost no area of our lives that is left untouched by such a monumental decision. Considering where to live and buying a home taps into all parts of our mind: our basic need for shelter, our attachment needs for a safe place to connect with ourselves and others, and the existential question of how our lives will look in this new place and community. In order to take the risk and make an offer on a home, we need to be willing to attach to a new place to live, and — simultaneously — hold it loosely enough that it won’t be devastating to lose the bid. It’s a narrow path of guarded optimism.


How is the current health crisis adding to these stresses?

CK: We know that most people are more stressed and anxious right now at a baseline. There has been tremendous and continued disruption to many lives, making it more likely that people will crave consistency and predictability where they have the ability to create it. 

Very little is predictable when it comes to buying a home — you can be outbid, you may have disagreements with your home-buying partner, etc. If you’re already more anxious, more stressed, or experiencing disrupted sleep or low mood as a result of the pandemic, then a big decision like this will be compounded by these existing challenges.


In this competitive market, buyers may lose out on one or more homes before their offer is selected. How can people mentally prepare for a competitive bidding process?

CK: There is a balancing act of being vulnerable enough to imagine your life in this potential new place, creating new memories and experiences within those walls and neighborhood — which takes risk — and balancing that with the very healthy protective impulse of avoiding attaching too fully and too quickly until it’s assured. 

For folks who tend to avoid the vulnerability piece, it makes home-buying hard, because our emotional response to each home is, in fact, an important part of any decision-making process. On the other hand, if you “fall in love” with every home you see, there leaves little room for discerning which is the best fit, and you can quickly become emotionally fatigued with each lost bid or opportunity.

Here are some tips:

Identify your hopes, preferences and design dreams in general terms. As you consider each new home, ask yourself, “How will I feel if I don’t get this home?” If you find yourself feeling concerned over the loss, talk to someone (especially the person who you may be buying with) about how excited you are about the elements of the home. Notice if you’re veering into, “Only this home has this unique element!” Sticking with your general preferences — updated home, architecture style, neighborhood, etc. — can help remind you that there is more than one home where you can find joy and contentment.

Identify your non-negotiables as clearly as possible. The flip side to being as general as possible with your wants is being as clear as possible with your deal-breakers. Know before you look if you’re really only open to a condo with three or more bedrooms, or a house with a garage. It’s easy to be swept up in a home that may have some dream elements to it even though it has deal-breaker issues. If you find yourself in that position, offer yourself the grace that this won’t always be a tidy and neat process — you get to be human in the midst of it.


Do you have any strategies or tips buyers can use to move on from an unsuccessful offer?

CK:  Pause to reflect, then let it go. It can be deeply disappointing to lose an opportunity that you felt invested in. Honor that by taking a few hours or even a couple days to acknowledge that experience, and know it will fade. Note what was so disappointing — did it appear to have everything you wanted? Finding an opportunity to feel gratitude will counter the propensity to dwell solely on what was lost. Also helpful is considering if it really did have everything you wanted, or — more likely — most of what you wanted.

Learn from each loss. In my experience, each bid process is unique and comes with its own challenges and insights. Again, note what you were surprised by and integrate it into your process for future bids.



What general advice would you give to someone in the midst of buying a home right now?

CK:  Prepare for a marathon, even if it’s just a sprint. You will not know how long it will take to have an offer accepted. It could be a couple homes you offer on, it could be 12. Having our expectations be flexible and expansive sets us up for less disappointment.

Extend kindness to yourself. It may sound simple, but this is challenging for many. It can be easy to doubt your judgment, become angry with your home-buying partner, or get obsessed with searching. All these responses are understandable! (Remember earlier when we acknowledged how important this decision is?) Being kind means finding ways to rest, recharge and integrate each step along the way. This could be taking a short break from scrolling through listings to recenter yourself, preparing a comforting meal after a lost opportunity, or being intentional about getting to bed earlier, if you can.

Talk about it. For many people, it’s helpful to say out loud what’s rolling around in their mind. Some prefer to journal. Whatever works best for you, try to share the challenges, insights, dreams and goals that you’re noticing. Remember that you’re looking for a home during an extraordinary time, so be mindful of the extra effort that may involve. The more we’re aware of our rising tide of stress, the more likely we are to tap into our strategies to manage that stress. Reach out often to loved ones to keep your awareness, energy, and perspective in line with your goals and hopes. 

Remember, these tips are intended as general advice. If you have specific concerns, are struggling or need help, contact a licensed mental health professional. 

If you’re ready to take the next step in your home-buying journey, you can find information and reviews for local Zillow Premier Agents who can walk you through the buying process and help you find the right home. You can also learn more about financing options and get a better understanding of your total monthly expenses from the experts at Zillow Home Loans. 


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Are Home Prices Dropping? Here’s the Real Story.

By KCM • March 15, 2026
Are Home Prices Dropping? Here’s the Real Story. You’ve probably seen posts on social media talking about how “home prices are falling.” And when you see something like that, it’s normal to wonder: Is this the start of a crash? What does this mean for my house? Let’s clear this up right away. This is not a crash. And your home is not suddenly losing a lot of value. The National Story – Prices Are Still Going Up Here’s what often gets left out of what you’re seeing online. While some markets are experiencing slight declines, they’re the minority. Most places are still seeing prices rise or at the very least, hold steady. That’s why, at the national level, home prices are still rising, just at a slower pace. According to the National Association of Realtors (NAR): “Home prices continued to rise in the fourth quarter of 2025. National median prices rose 1.2% year over year to $414,900.” That’s not the rapid growth of a few years ago, but it’s not a downturn either. And just to really drive this home, here’s a look at the data from NAR at a regional level, so you can see that the negative narrative spun up online isn’t the whole truth (see graph below): Home prices are up (or at least holding steady) in the Northeast, Midwest, and South. The West has seen some small declines in certain markets, but “small” is the key word. There is no wave of falling prices across the country. Instead, there are just a few pockets adjusting after several years of what’s typically considered unsustainable or exponential growth. Yes, Some Markets Have Come Down, But Look at the Bigger Picture. Okay, but what about the places where prices have declined? According to ResiClub and Zillow, that’s not a cause for major concern. When you zoom out and look at those same markets over the past five years, the story changes (see graph below): In the areas with recent declines, home values are still significantly higher than they were just five years ago. That’s a direct reflection of how much home values have gone up. Online chatter tends to shine a spotlight on the few areas that are down. But the bigger picture shows most homeowners are still in a very strong position. Of course, every market, and every home, is different. But broadly speaking, home values are holding steady. And this isn’t a sign of widespread trouble in the market. Bottom Line Despite what you may be seeing online, home prices are rising or holding steady in most parts of the country. If you’re curious what your home is worth today, let’s take a look at the numbers together. Because context, and local expertise, matter more than what you’re seeing online.

The Hidden Advantage Repeat Buyers Have Right Now

By KCM • March 13, 2026
The Hidden Advantage Repeat Buyers Have Right Now What if you didn’t have a mortgage payment on your next house? It may sound a little unrealistic. But for a number of homeowners, it’s actually doable. Nearly 3 in 10 homes purchased today are bought in cash , according to the National Association of Realtors (NAR). That’s far more than the pre-pandemic norm (see graph below): So, how are so many buyers pulling that off? The answer is simple: home equity . Back in 2020-2021, mortgage rates and the number of homes for sale were both at all-time lows. And that combination pushed home prices up, fast. If you owned a home during that time, it likely gained significant value – maybe even enough to buy your next house in cash . NAR explains : “. . . rising home equity has armed many existing homeowners with the financial leverage to make cash offers , allowing them to convert years of price appreciation into immediate purchasing power.” Here’s why you may want to go that route yourself, if you have enough equity to do it. 1. Your Offer Becomes More Attractive Sellers value certainty. And an all-cash offer removes one of the biggest unknowns in a transaction: financing. As Rocket Mortgage explains: “ Cash offers are attractive to sellers. Sellers often prefer to work with cash buyers if they can because they don’t have to worry about a buyer’s financing falling through at the last minute.” In many markets, an all-cash offer can give you a serious edge. 2. You Can Close Faster And since you don't have to worry about underwriting, lender approvals, and loan processing, the time it takes to close shrinks. Cotality puts it this way: “Cash buyers have always enjoyed an edge over borrowers. They remove financing risk, reduce delays, and often close in days rather than weeks .” If the owner of the house you're buying is already under contract on their next home or they just need to move fast (like for a new job), that speed is a real draw. 3. You Won't Have Monthly Mortgage Payments When you buy in cash, you don’t have to finance your purchase. That means you don’t have to worry about what today’s mortgage rates are and you own the house outright from the day you close. And that’s a big deal. No mortgage. No monthly payment. Full ownership. That financial freedom opens the door for other big lifestyle benefits. Zillow explains: “Paying in cash means you own your home outright. This eliminates the need for monthly mortgage payments, freeing up your finances for other priorities like savings, travel, or home improvements.” 4. You May Get a Better Deal And here’s one more thing that surprises a lot of homeowners: cash buyers often pay less for the house. According to Cotality, all-cash buyers tend to spend roughly 9% less on the house than buyers who use a mortgage. That’s because some sellers are willing to accept lower offers to get a deal done quickly, with more certainty of closing, and fewer financing hoops to jump through. As Cotality explains: “From a seller’s point of view, a lower but reliable offer can feel preferable to a higher one that may collapse weeks later.” And that advantage grows with each passing year (see graph below): Is an All-Cash Move Realistic for You? Not every homeowner will buy their next house outright in cash. And that’s okay. But the bigger takeaway is this: the equity you’ve built may give you more options than you think. Whether that means downsizing and eliminating a mortgage entirely, or just relocating with stronger negotiating power, your current house may be what makes it possible. Bottom Line Before assuming you’ll need another traditional mortgage, it’s worth asking one simple question: How much equity do you really have? Because the answer might change what you thought your next move could look like. Curious what your home equity could do for you? Let’s run the numbers and see what kind of buying power you’re really sitting on.

How Your Equity Could Help Younger Generations Buy a Home

By KCM • March 11, 2026
How Your Equity Could Help Younger Generations Buy a Home For a lot of parents or grandparents, watching a family member struggle to buy their first home right now is hard. That's because you saw firsthand how homeownership gave your life more stability and helped grow your net worth – and you want your loved ones to have those same opportunities. But with all the affordability challenges in recent years, that can feel like an uphill battle – even though it’s slowly improving lately. Here’s what you may not realize. You may be in a unique position to help (thanks to the equity in your current house). The Equity Advantage You May Not Be Thinking About You’ve likely owned your home for years, maybe even decades. And during that time, two things happened: Home values rose Your mortgage balance shrank (or you paid it off entirely) That combination has created substantial equity for many homeowners like you. And while you may think of that equity as something you want to have in your pocket for retirement, it can also serve another purpose: helping the next generation clear the biggest hurdle in their way. The #1 Thing Holding Young Buyers Back When John Burns Research & Consulting (JBREC) asked renters what’s keeping them from buying, the top answer wasn’t mortgage rates or home prices. It was the upfront cost, particularly saving enough for their down payment (see graph below): That’s where you may be able to make more of a difference than you realize. You can’t control rates or prices. But you may be able to use your equity to help with this upfront expense. And giving money to your loved one so they buy a home doesn’t mean putting your own future at risk. Even a small portion of your equity can put them in a position to finally get the keys to their first place – and, if you’re strategic about it, you’d still have a lot leftover for when you retire. With an estimated $68 and $84 trillion of wealth expected to transfer from older generations to younger ones over the next two decades, many families are already thinking differently about when and how that wealth will be passed down. Maybe it makes sense for your family to think about too. Help from Loved Ones Is Making a Move Possible for Many First-Time Buyers A growing share of young buyers are using gifts and loans from their loved ones to springboard into homeownership. According to the National Association of Realtors (NAR), nearly 1 in 5 first-time buyers use a cash gift from their family or loved ones for their down payment. And other young buyers are using their inheritance or a loan from someone they know to finally break into the market (see charts below): This Is About Opportunity, Not Obligation Every family’s situation is different, and your decision should be made carefully. It’s just that, if you’ve built up a lot of equity, you may have more room to help than you think. It’s not just a financial gift. It’s giving stability, security, and a foundation that could change their lives for the better – especially at a time when they may not be able to do it on their own. Bottom Line If you’re curious what your home equity could make possible, for you or for your loved ones, let’s start with a simple conversation. Because sometimes the most meaningful investment you can make is for the next generation.
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